It will be worth it all

Before I get started I want to put a disclaimer on this. The views, opinions, and feelings expressed in this blog are solely mine and do not reflect the views, beliefs, opinions, etc. of PCUSA, DOOR Network, First Church of the Brethren, or Breakthrough Urban Ministries.

I’m sitting in a Starbucks listening to the hustle and bustle of baristas, espresso machines, and friends laughing as they are catching up after the weekend. I’m sipping on my orange blossom tea and reflecting on the past six weeks. I can’t believe I’ve been here in the city for a month and a half. These past several weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions. I’m going to be very frank about some of the things I’ve been feeling and experiencing.

I was very excited about this new experience. I was especially excited about living in Chicago! I’ve always felt trapped living in Danville. As an out gay man, there really was no place for me where I could be myself 100%. I knew coming to Chicago I would be able to go out and not have the great fear of being called horrible names or have things being thrown at me. I was excited about being able to go to the “gay neighborhood” and meet people, make new friends. I was excited about a new job working with two different youth ministries. I was excited about having one of the greatest cities, and all its benefits and opportunities, right outside my door.

The whirlwind of emotions started before I even arrived in Chicago. I became so nervous and anxious I was making myself physically ill. I remember the flight to New York for our YAV orientation. I had a fever, chills, and my body ached. We arrived at Stony Point just after dinner, but they had saved some food for those who arrived late. After I finished my food I made my way to the auditorium for opening worship. After that service I felt like all my fears had been taken away. It was incredible to see and feel the Lord’s work. After that, I thought it was going to be smooth sailing from there on out. Boy was I mistaken.

The week was filled with sessions ranging from cultural competency, sexual misconduct, self-care, and a whole host of other topics. The sexual misconduct session really seemed to irritate many of the YAVs. Why you ask? Well, I’ll tell you. The facilitator of this session made it so hetero-centric and hetero-normative completely ignoring that there are other types of relationships than male and female. She was also implying that the only kind of sexual misconduct happens between a male and a female, in which the male is the aggressor. This caused much discussion amongst the YAVs after the session. The YAV facilitators quickly caught on and realized how offended and upset many were, they brought it up at the beginning of the next session and had a brief discussion about how we were all feeling. Kudos YAV staff!!

By Thursday I was completely wiped out emotionally. I remember during the evening worship service I completely broke down. I began crying for what may have appeared to some as no real reason at all. Well, there was a reason. The night before, I had called my mother to let her know I was OK and that things were going well. Just a general “good son” check-in. Before I hung up, she said “I love you.” I’ve always known my parents and family members love me. It is not, however, something that we throw around a lot. I was caught off guard. By the end of worship on Thursday my emotions were boiling over and I needed to release. So, I did. I let the flood gates open. I was able to process this with the orientation chaplain. When I signed up for this I did not know it was going to be so intense emotionally.

The week wrapped up, we all said our good-bye’s, and began our journeys to our cities to begin our year of service.

Two of my roommates and I arrived in Chicago and we met our interim site coordinator, Benjamin. He took us to lunch, then to our house where we began to get settled and to rest. We then had to go to the airport to pick up our final roommate. She is not doing the YAV program, but rather going directly through DOOR. We were treated to a wonderfully fabulous meal at The Cheesecake Factory, and we were told not to get used to all the special and good food.

Our first week in Chicago consisted of getting to know the grid system of the city, meeting lots of people, visiting our placement sites, and getting to know each other. After all, we would be living together for the next year.

Our work week started the day after Labor Day. I did not have to be at work until the afternoon (the joys of working in an afterschool program). I didn’t do much during the day other than prepare myself mentally for what I was about to encounter. I knew that my first week or so would be learning about the program and what they do and those sorts of things. However, I wasn’t expecting to do some of the things I had been doing: taking out the trash, wiping down toilets, sweeping, vacuuming, etc. Don’t get me wrong, these things have to be done. I was given the impression I’d be in more of a leadership role in my class rather than that of custodian.

Things were not going well, the kids were out of control, and I was extremely frustrated. I was ready to give up on the program. I was ready to go back home to Danville. I was angry, disappointed, and frustrated. One evening, one of my roommates and I made a list. We divided this list into two categories: Why I did YAV and How I feel about YAV-Chicago right now. So, here is why I did YAV:

-I felt like I could do more ministry/service than at home (music & youth, worship planning, being more involved as not just a lay person doing things but as a more interested leader/rep/mission minister through YAV)

-Chicago would stretch me the most (outside my comfort zone) forcing me to rely fully on God, living in a HUGE city, living in community with other YAVs

-I was looking forward to a different type of service such as living in community (even though it would be a struggle), and discerning my future (with tools and space to do so).

-I was expecting challenges and growth

Now, this is how I felt at the time we made this list:

               

                -I am frustrated, angry; I feel betrayed; I feel like I’ve been lied to

                -I don’t feel like I’m doing at all what I thought I’d be doing

                -I am feeling very under-utilized

                -I feel like no one is listening/I haven’t been heard

                -I feel trapped (stuck at a placement where I’m being under-utilized)

                -I feel like I have not been given the tools/resources to discern

                -I feel like the “community” part is the only good thing now

                -I came in with high expectations and have been greatly disappointed

                -I feel like I’m stunted with no room to grow

I had expressed some of these feelings to supervisors, friends, and mentors, but still had these feelings. One day, probably a week after making this list, I had conversations with a few people about how I was feeling. Each one of them said the same thing. They said that I have been given an amazing opportunity to live in the city. I might not be doing what I thought I’d be doing or what I wanted to be doing, but there are so many amazing things in the city I can get involved with. They all said to use the negative things that had been happening, use the negative feelings and turn them around to do something good. Hearing that was like a slap in the face and a wakeup call.

After that my attitude changed dramatically. Things started to improve by 100%! Opportunities started to present themselves. One day, the teacher I work with was sick and I had to be in charge of the class. I’m getting emails about volunteer opportunities at churches that have programs for LGBTQ youth, which is something I’m quite passionate about. The Center on Halsted (the LGBTQ center in Chicago) has many volunteer opportunities! I’m signed up for their volunteer orientation after Thanksgiving.

Satan is working. He’s trying to make me lose focus, get me distracted. God, however, is working much harder.

I was at church on Sunday at the church where I help with the drumming class. The interim pastor there is the one who was our interim site coordinator while the actual site coordinator was on maternity leave. He and I have had many conversations over the past six weeks. He told me on Sunday that in the past month and a half he has already seen me grow so much. It made me realize that all that I’ve been through in such a short time has all been worth it. There will still be struggles, but without struggles, we can’t grow. As uncomfortable as it may be, it will be worth it all!